


going home

by stardustspeedway



Series: stars beneath the ocean [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 13:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18829798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustspeedway/pseuds/stardustspeedway
Summary: We can never get back the time we`ve lost. We can all but look forward, and make new memories together.





	going home

The letters at his feet are like leaves in autumn, beckoning one by one to be raked in and embraced. Undread words sit coyly inside flimsy envelopes, holding ink that has been waiting for summers to be read, some of them ever so slightly more faded than others.  
  
Some letters are short, simple missives, speaking of the unbearable heat of the deserts of Ul`dah. As the months - the years - go on, he begins to open up into lengthy tales of his training. The long texts he reads that bestow knowledge of black magics, although his brethren like to drag him right into the battlefield more often than not.

The thought of a young, shy Auguste being thrown into the fray manages to make Perci chuckle, until he reads the last line of the latest letter he`s unearthed from the pile

_“I really miss you. I hope one day I can come back home. I`m not strong enough yet, but I`ll keep doing my best.”_  
  
Perci`s heart clenches painfully at the smudged ink on the page where teardrops were obviously spilled. Auguste had never been good at hiding his feelings. 

No longer the shy little rabbit hiding behind his legs, Perci realized faintly he hadn`t seen Auguste cry even once since their reunion. Not even after he was thrown around like a rag doll in the royal courts and run out of Ul’dah for a crime he never committed, ripped from his companions who had become his family.   
  
Not a single tear.

At least, not until Haurchefant had…  
  
 _“Oh, and I learned how to make your favourite cake too! I want to make it for you, so wait for me.”_  
  
 _Wait for me_ , Perci echoes the words he can hear so vividly even now, in that same cheerful voice he once knew so well.

That was the promise he had made to Auguste, wasn`t it?  
  
 _“Here, let me give you this!” A tiny chunk of stone is placed into Perci`s hands. It`s a soft green like the apples of spring, glowing like the moon above. “It`s a good luck charm.” Perci can tell he`s holding back tears by the way his shoulders shake, just like they always do._

_“I promise I`ll come back.” Instead the young boy raises his head with a determined look in eyes glassy with tears._  
  
 _“Then I`ll be right here, like I always have.” Perci clasped Auguste`s trembling hands, steadying them. “You know I`ll always keep you safe, Au-chan.”_  
  
 _“That`s right…!” The smile returns to his face like sunshine gracing the dawn. “I love you, Perci!”_  
  
In his childlike innocence, where every love meant the same undying affection, not the strange murky waters of adulthood that colored such beautiful words.

Love.

Auguste had always loved Perci at the core of it all. That`s why he was always so kind, so protective.

Had he remembered who he was this whole time? Auguste was alone, bearing the burden of those memories, of a one sided love and affection. He didn`t spend this entire time thinking Perci didn`t care, did he?

Auguste was glad for once that he was slow footed. He was rounding the corner, poking his head into the library of Fortemps manor to look for a cookbook, finding familiar figure instead. He watched as Perci`s shoulders shook silently before hurriedly slipping back into the hallway. This was clearly a private moment.

Alphinaud had caught him sneaking down the hall and gratefully read the atmosphere without asking any questions - if anyone understood how tired Auguste was these days, it was him. The young elezen ushered him towards the front door and to the Crozier so they could buy ingredients. After all, didn`t Auguste have a new recipe in mind to try out tonight? The count had more than enough helping hands among the maids to prepare meals, but Auguste liked to cook for the new housemates as a sort of thank you.

Perci, none the wiser, comes up for air from the sea of memories and only then realizes he`s been sporting a dull headache for what may have been an hour. He could use a drink, or ten, but the rumbling in his stomach tells him otherwise. Drinking his problems away, let alone on an empty stomach, would be foolish even for him.

He puts his coat on with a goal, if you could call it that, of wandering through the Crozier, half for fresh air and half scanning for pleasantly steaming pastries. Unfortunately, even the most tempting of confections do nothing for him. He`s not hungry - being sad about your long lost childhood friend would do that to you.

He`s so distracted by his long lost laments that he bumps right into someone instead. The twelve above could be so kind to him, like the night they returned Auguste to him, but they could also be so cruel to Perci as well, delivering the selfsame boy that he was moping about nonstop.

“Oh, funny running into you here...Auguste.” Perci tries to say as though it were every other day, but it comes out hollow.  
  
Auguste merely tilts his head - Perci never called him by his full name, even when they were barely getting to know one another. Back then it was mostly “cutie” and “angel” and now it was more of that, but with the pleasant familiarness of “Au-chan.”

He was never “Auguste.”

_Did I do something wrong?_ Auguste frowns and pretends to attribute it to the unripe quality of his alligator pear.

But Perci notices; he always notices. Even when Auguste thinks he isn`t looking, he sees the secret pained looks that Auguste tries to hide from the world. To be the strong warrior of light, the face everyone knows and loves,a heroic mask…  
  
And yet he plays the role all too well, performing for the world day in and day out. Perci faintly wonders if this feeling is jealousy, or if he’s angry that he can`t bring that smile back to his face.

Perhaps it’s both.  
  
“You don`t look so good…” Unbeknownst to Auguste, his concern only serves to show Perci how much he`s been slipping, letting his feelings sneak in through the cracks. He only smiles at that, flashing such a charming grin that he was sure Auguste would believe him.  
  
“You must be hungry.” He says instead, and Perci drops the facade immediately.

He saw through him.  
  
“I was just about to make dinner, actually.” Auguste smiles, and Perci`s gut twists. “Let’s go back home, okay?” 

He continues to prove Perci`s point, being concerned over him despite the fact it was plain as day Auguste was hurting. His heart feels delighted at the soft touch against the naked inside of his wrist, and he`s caught in between the two as his hand is folded gently into Auguste`s.

Dinner comes and goes with Tataru and Alphinaud exchanging the information she found from the bar that day. She mentions that someone saw Kaoru briefly, but it didn`t look like he would be coming home.   
  
“What`s that boy thinking, running off like that? Going on two weeks now, and there`s been some unsavoury rumours…”  
  
Perci tries to nod at her and express an interest in finding their friend, but he can only look at Auguste who merely picks at his dinner as well.  
  
Their after dinner ritual continues as always with the two warming themselves by the fire, but by now it`s painfully clear something is off. Perci would usually loop an arm around Auguste`s waist and he would lean into Perci until there was naught a space between them. They would cuddle in front of the fireplace for hours, sometimes well into the morning, happily exchanging stories and sometimes sneaking a hand or two below the belt.  
  
But tonight the two continue to sit in a frigid silence with their legs folded stiffly, nursing cups of cocoa that neither had stomach to drink.  
  
Someone has to break the silence.  
  
“Are you cold?” Auguste tries. “I can fetch you a blanket—”  
  
“Aren`t you tired of having to take care of me all the time?” Perci blurts out suddenly, startling them both. Auguste trembles and nearly drops his cup as he makes a weak attempt to speak up, but now that the dam has broken, Perci can no longer hold back.   
  
“ I don`t even know why you still do it.”  
  
“Why I, what…?”  
  
“Even after all you do, day in day out, for all of those people…” Perci trails off, mind racing faster than he can untangle himself from his convoluted web of thought. “Ishgard is none the wiser as you go off doing Halone knows what, risking life and limb. And still...still you let me take advantage of your kindness.” He doesn`t realize he`s grabbing his pant leg so tightly until he can feel the nock of a single seam breaking.   
  
“You must think I`m so selfish.”

The silence is deafening as Perci stares at the patterns on the carpet. Anywhere but Auguste`s face, he can`t bear to see the look of anger, of disappointment, that he expects.

“You don`t really think that of me. Do you…?” With a voice like glass, Auguste`s soft voice rings in sincerity as his fingers lace through Perci`s tight knuckled grip, killing him with his tenderness.  
  
“...No.” Perci`s admits after a long and painful silence of staring into green eyes that always see right through him. These are all _his_ thoughts that he`s shoving onto any other existence that isn`t him.

It`s easier to pin it on Auguste, further the rift between them because if he gets too close, he can`t guarantee he can hide this any longer. These thoughts of scorn that pretend that it`s someone else that hates him. Anyone else that isn`t Perci and the long neglected years of loathing aimed directly at himself.

But not Auguste. Auguste would never have such thoughts, because he`s so...

“...so kind and understanding.”  
  
So much so that it was disgusting.  
  
“I don`t get it.”

_I don`t get how you can be so forgiving._

Except he did. Perci knew exactly why. The answer was in every single one of those letters. It was a single worded answer that he just couldn`t bring himself to admit was the reason.

Instead, he lets his pain and insecurity spill forth. It`s for the best, he knows, that Auguste see his true colors.   
  
And then, Auguste wouldn`t love him anymore, right?   
  
It was better this way.  
  
“I`m the complete opposite of you.” Perci makes an effort to look anywhere but at Auguste`s hurt expression. “It doesn`t make sense, you and I. I don`t know why you stay with me when all I`ve done is hurt your feelings.”  
  
“You`re wrong.” Auguste says so furiously that Perci`s back straightens like a bolt of lightning. He`s never heard him speak like that before.  
  
Perci watches as those beautiful eyes that he holds so dear gloss over with tears, feeling his heart fall to pieces. “You and I make all the sense in the world.” Although he trembles ever so slightly, Auguste`s voice is unwavering and crystal clear.

“You`ve always cared for me since we were young.” He continues in a steady voice, no longer a single trace of the stuttering that wracked him since they were children. “No amount of time apart will ever change that. And ever since you found me again, you`ve kept me safe, just like you did back then.” He reminds him that he was the only other one from Haurchefant who offered them succor. “So I don`t know why you keep saying these horrible things…!” 

In a stunned silence, Perci watches as Auguste gathers his breath in an effort not to cry. But his voice cracks slightly as he steels himself to push even further against the layers of pain that Perci attempts to hold steady, a protective shield around him that would protect him from being vulnerable.

If he keeps looking at him like that, it`ll break, and everything will finally fall to pieces.

“You`re still my Perci-chan.” His lower lip quivered, the ocean of pain he`d been keeping at bay threatening to leak out. “I`ve always cared about you...nothing will ever change that. Well, unless you tell me to go away, perhaps. Then I will.” Auguste`s hands tremble.  _Don`t tell him, whatever you do, how terrified you are that he doesn`t love you—_  
  
“I would never say that!” Perci blurts out suddenly, finally holding Auguste`s hands tightly in return.  
  
“...You answered your own question.” Auguste chuckles in spite of the tears that threaten at the brim of his eyes. ‘ _Why does he stay?_ ’ Because, you would never leave me either.” He rests Perci`s hand against his cheek affectionately as tears finally spill over, brushing his fingertips like delicate petals.  
  
He`s so beautiful, his feelings so pure, Perci feels himself on the cusp of tears.

_I made him cry._

Without thinking, Perci moves forward to hold Auguste in his arms, burying his face in the crown of Auguste`s head. He can feel a crinkle against his coat, what must be a smile, or perhaps his imagination. “But...but I did.” His throat tightens, voice cracking as he admits the guilt that wracks him daily. His selfish wish that hurt the one he loved the most, the one that simply reached out for him, and was left wanting.

“I did leave you.”  
  
There it was, finally said. They both knew it, and yet Auguste continued to let him get away with it.

“I left you, and you spent years sending letters to someone who never even bothered to read them…” His own tears that had been waiting for over ten long years to spill over fall into soft locks of pink hair.  
  
“Neither of us knew, Percimont.” Auguste snaps him back to attention with his full name, pulling back to look at him in shock as Auguste smiles through his tears. “There`s not much for me to gain from being mad. If I had known you left Ishgard as well, I would have sent my letters right to you, wherever you were…”

 He glances away shyly as he recalls the night they "first met." Perhaps it was a first meeting of sorts, a meeting of the men they had become.  
  
“Perhaps the twelve themselves saw to it that we would see each other again that night.”  
  
Truthfully he still blushes at the memory, but aside from the rather candid happenings, it was truly a stroke of fate.

If Auguste`s hadn`t spoken to just the right person and accepted that invitation, if he wasn`t in the right place, at exactly the right time…

Well, it was just meant to be, wasn’t it?  
  
Auguste feels Perci hold his cheeks delicately in his hands as though he were made of pure gold. Auguste has always felt so soft and warm, always smells like home, and it makes Perci`s heart ache.  
  
The answer was right in front of him this whole time.

He brushes stray tears from the apples of rosy red cheeks, kissing Auguste on the forehead.

“I won`t let you go again.”

 

* * *

  
  
Despite being fresh from the shower, he can`t say he feels relaxed. Their efforts have been taking their toll on him, and Auguste feels just how tensely he’s been holding himself when he attempts to relax his shoulders. He winces at how much his body recoils at the thought, as though relaxing for just one moment amidst this chaos is impermissible.

“You look tired, Au-chan.” A familiar voice calls out to him. His other senses follow, enjoying the faint scent of an ocean breeze as strong arms loop around hs middle “Come here.” Perci pulls him into bed, curled up right against his side. Auguste feels his muscles, once tense as piano wires, suddenly melt into butter against that warmth, his eyes beginning to close without realizing.

“Take off your pajamas.”  
  
“O-oh, Perci.” Auguste can`t hide his coy expression as color fills his cheeks. “I`m a bit too exhausted for that, I—”

“No, I don`t want to do anything.” Perci is rather amused that Auguste is so shocked at that declaration. “I just want to feel you.”  
  
They wordlessly slide off their pajamas and smallclothes, laying back under the covers, skin to skin. The echo of Auguste`s heart beats against his chest. Maybe it was a trick of the twilight hour, but he could swear they were beating in tandem.  
  
“You`re always so warm,” Perci murmurs as their ankles cross and tangle. Auguste just laughs and presses a kiss to Perci`s head.

Perci feels himself nodding off before he knows it, the strange feeling of drifting and yet still being half awake. That`s how he catches Auguste whispering tenderly into the crown of his head.  
  
“I love you, Percimont.”  
  
Perci continues to even out his breaths in his best effort to pretend that he`s still asleep, but his heart threatens to beat out of his chest as the words well up in his throat.   
  
They`re bursting at the tip of his tongue; he wants to tell Auguste _so_ badly.

He thinks of Auguste`s strength as he laid his heart bare for him this evening, a moment just for two. _Just wait for me,_ Perci vows to him in the silence of twilight.

_I`ll become just as strong as you. And then I`ll tell you everything._


End file.
